Sleep Deprivation Almost Won: My Why

There have been many phases in life where I have felt tired. I have been late night bingers with my middle school squad tired, I have been up until the sun rises tired, I have been late night college studies tired and I have been extremely sick tired, but there is nothing quite like the, I am grieving my brother who passed while trying to be a first-time mother tired.

The word tired is actually an understatement in the last part of that sentence. I was a sleep deprived zombie who had absolutely no idea that I did NOT have to feel that way.

I always knew that I struggled with Anxiety. I was always extremely anxious growing up. Did someone not like me? Did I say something to hurt their feelings? Why did I get a 100 % on that test when I could have gotten a 103 % with the extra credit? That was always my mind. Then, I lost my brother…. and then, brought a kid into the world.

October 21, 2018, I brought this perfect round headed, tiny, blue eyed baby girl into the world, Willa Leigh. She fit perfectly in my arms and slept peacefully in between feeds. I remember thinking, “oh boy… and now we go home.”

Willa Leigh, a few weeks old here. You can’t see… but there were so many tears.

Two of the most important necessities every parent is anxious about is, 1. how am I going to get my baby to sleep and 2. am I going to feed them enough. You take an already anxious person who worries about the little things and now I needed to worry about the BIG things on top of this constant battle of fighting the thoughts of something bad occurring to my little one. That is what losing my brother did to me. It put me on edge waiting for the next death to occur.

There was one thing I knew about bringing babies home, you don’t put them in the bed with you. Covers are a suffocation risk, they can roll onto their sides and breathe in the same repeated air and pass away, or a parent could roll over on top of them. So, the first few days, I couldn’t sleep. I remember watching her breathing over and over again because I could not allow her to suffocate. Though she was sleeping in her safe sleep space, swaddled correctly in the right room temperature… I still was anxious.

The steps to do all the RIGHT things quickly faded away as I became even more, and more sleep deprived. The two-week mark hit, I like to call it the end of the baby high, and all chaos became my reality. A colic baby. So I thought.

My husband had returned to work and he was working midnights. He left our home at 8pm and our little one began crying… and did not stop. I tried swaddling, I tried nursing, I tried the pacifier, I tried EVERYTHING. So, what happened next? I started crying and I became anxious… There was SOMETHING wrong with my baby. At least there must be, right?

This became our nightly routine. Around 7/8pm -12am our baby screamed, not cried. Nothing consoled her. I remember being at my grandmothers one night and she began… I locked myself in the back closet and tried calming her in the darkest, most non-stimulating place.

I hated being a mom. I just wanted happiness after losing my brother and now… I just found more to cry about.

By week 6 of her life the 8pm-12am screaming began to dwindle down. She never slept though. Her naps maybe lasted 30-40 minutes and then she was wide eyed and nothing could get her back to sleep. Nights looked like nursing every 45 mins-60 mins….at my 6 week check-up the OB asked how I was and I could not even talk. I just sobbed.

Skip a few weeks…

I went back to working full time around week 11 of my little one’s life. I was working for my local Social Services as a Foster Care worker. The days were really long and sleep deprivation and long days did not go together well. My mother watched my little during the day and it was a blessing.

I was a parent during the time of the Rock n Play. That was THE only place my little one would sleep. At night she would sleep for 3-4-hour lengths and during the day we could get a 45-minute nap when using the Rock N Play. Knowing what I know now… that was nothing, but to me during that time… I felt some what okay. At least I was getting some sleep.

Information in regard to babies passing away from suffocating in the Rock N Play was all over Social Media. OH MY GOSH.

WHAT do I do now?!?!?

I remember purchasing a program from a widely known Sleep Consultant. I began it out of a whim… and I just could not connect. It was not working (Now I am sure I was not doing something correctly).

So, where did my little one end up sleeping? She would start in her pack n play and then, every two hours she would wake to feed and then, fall asleep next to me, or I’d attempt to get her back into her Pack N Play. Still…. I was not sleeping.

Around this time I began working for another Social Services as a Part-Time employee. During this same work transition we made a Sleep transition, as well.

The day she turned 6 months I was driving to Walmart picking up a grocery order. I purchased a program from LittleZSleep and told my husband when I got home, finding him asleep with our 6-month-old in her rocking chair, that we were sleep training, TONIGHT.

My husband looked at me, confused eyes and all, and nodded.

Night 1…. she slept 12 hours. WHAT!

For 14 days we implemented a plan and we saw progress. It was hard work. It was dedication.

I was no longer sleep deprived.

I wish that I could say that my anxiety lessened, but in reality… it did not.

My little one was sleeping 11-12 hours at night and taking dream naps, but I was so nervous that we would fall back into sleep deprivation that I would not allow us to ever have OFF days. We could not be one second late to laying her down for naps or bedtime, or my anxiety would peak.

I’ll skip a few months and discuss my second baby… with her I felt this second chance was being given to me. With her I learned that safe and healthy sleeping habits could be taught from day 1. Literally.

Newborn days were so much more peaceful with her. She slept. She was happy.

I learned that with these sleep habits being taught that off days and missed naps would not lead us into a journey of sleep deprivation.

We began healthy sleep techniques from day 1 and never had to “officially,” sleep train. Our second, Wren, has been sleeping through the night since 3 1/2 months. Regressions come, and she works through them. We know that day trips to the beach, days filled with playdates or car naps will not lead us into a sleep deprived spiral.

So, why did I become a Sleep Consultant? Because I never want a mother to feel as lost, guilty, ungrateful, undeserving of the gift of motherhood as I did. Connecting with parents who may be in a grief journey themselves and are also, trying to raise their babies while grieving the loss of a loved one. Maybe you are not grieving the loss of a loved one, but a missed dream, a failed relationship, a scarred friendship and grieving these circumstances while also being sleep deprived, does not have to be you.

I want to share with families that implementing healthy sleep habits, also, does not mean becoming trapped to your home. These sleep habits are to ensure that you know off days can occur, but sleep will still happen!

Sleep matters, at all points of life. In the good times and in the hard times.

Becoming a Sleep Consultant, to me, means showing parents that THEY matter, and sleep is possible. There is and never will be an award for the Most Sleep Deprived Parent.

Four happy, well-rested humans! If you would love to know more and can really relate to this blog, lets hop on a FREE CALL.